Last summer when I had shingles, I drove out to the beach every day. I sat in the sand, I sat in my car, I napped, I read. There’s nothing written in my journal for those days; I accomplished nothing at work, or on the house; I didn’t see friends, or write, or exercise. In some ways it’s as if those days didn’t happen.

And yet there they are in my memory, dreamy, significant. I look back on them fondly and with gratitude.

I think I was a different person, before and since.

This afternoon I drove back out to the beach. I don’t have shingles, but I’m here sitting in the sand. I have a book. I may read it, or I may just be.

Small annoying habits I’d like to change

We all have them, right? The things we do, over and over, that we aren’t proud of or find annoying or which simply make life more difficult than it needs to be. They aren’t big things, so they don’t feel worthy of a big effort to alter – but then again, they Just. Keep. Going – making life a little bit rougher, all along the way.

Here are mine:

Not replying to friends’ messages/emails/invitations if I don’t know what to say – usually if my schedule is too up in the air for me know whether I can do whatever it is they’re suggesting or not. I’m not waiting for a better offer or because I don’t know what I want; I just don’t know how to communicate I’d love to do that if it works, but I don’t know if it works because I might be visiting my parents, but only if the kitchen cabinets aren’t being installed on Saturday, and that depends on some stuff the HVAC guys might or might not finish on Tuesday. Um, can I let you know on Friday? That’s a jackass of a message to send, so I send… nothing. I just go silent. Then, because I haven’t replied, I feel rude, and so I continue to not-reply for even longer. This is not good. I’d like to do this differently.

Trying to fit in something “on the way.” On the way, I’ll stop for a coffee. On the way, I’ll pick up that new lipstick. On the way, I’ll water the lemon tree / fold the laundry / etc. On the way, I’ll meditate / go through these emails / rsvp to those meetings. Whatever it is, it does not take thirty seconds the way I imagine it does. It takes thirty minutes. Then I am late and/or did not actually start doing the thing I wanted to do. Then I feel stressed / rude / annoyed at myself for doing this yet again. Again, not good. I’d like to do this differently too.

Overplanning. Life gets complicated. I tend to deal with it by updating my calendar and to do list. Again. Then again. Then deciding it needs a new format and doing it again. Then I look up some new types of calendar online. This is a complete waste of time. I’m not actually doing anything to improve the situation. I’m just moving words around. I’d be better off taking a big deep breath and reading a trashy novel. Or doing some actual work. Or going to bed. Or figuring out where to put those additional awesome-looking plum trees I recently found out about. Whatever.

Pointless online browsing. For me this does not mean Twitter / Instagram / social media / the news. No, it’s more like blogs I don’t actually care about, or looking up to see whether there’s a new tiny laptop I should consider, or new writing software, or a new multi-pen, or the best possible type of compost bin (though this last one did lead me to find out something useful: I don’t in fact want a compost bin at all! Aha.). Again, I’d be better off reading, or working, or watching TV with my husband, or going to sleep, or again, nearly anything else.

Of all these, the one I’m still doing most often is the not-replying one. But. Today I got an email from a friend.

I’m now going to stop writing this blog post, and reply.

Photograph, memory

Last week I went looking online for photos from Pacific Repertory or Grovement’s theatrical productions in the 1990s. There were a lot of these: the Shakespeare Festival, the Human Chess Game, a bunch of other stuff – and I was in as many as I could get through auditions for. It was a huge part of my life for several years, and influenced who I am and how I act today in ways I probably still don’t really understand. Anyway, at work we were creating ‘life path’ slides for ourselves, to talk about significant personal history, and this seemed like a thing to include – so I went looking for photos. 

I found nothing. 

I mean, I found some WPA photos of the Forest Theater, where a lot of this happened, being built in the 1930s. I found a few news stories of Grovemont Theater’s being renamed to Pac Rep. I found photos and posters and reviews and all kinds of stuff for productions after, say, 2009. 

But for all the years before that – nothing. 

This got me thinking. As a high school kid, I was doing one of the most intentionally publicly visible things you can do – being on a stage, with makeup and lights and my voice carrying to the back rows of a packed house – and the whole thing left no public record, not of me, not of anyone else, not of the show itself. Whether I was great or terrible, however large or small my part, however large or small or thrilled or bored the audience – nothing. 

There’s a certain kind of freedom and satisfaction in this. Sure, I’d been hoping for a photo of myself in my Star Trek uniform, defending the galaxy with a coffeepot and a clipboard and the greatest knee-high boots I’d ever seen (the Human Chess Game tended heavily ridiculous), or a full-stage shot of all of us gender-bent broadsword carriers  brawling it out onstage at the end of Richard III (we used to practice the fight scenes with our eyes closed… when I say that teenagers have terrible judgment, I’m usually remembering myself). But on the other hand, I’m also free to remember those summers as I remember them, rather than as they were documented. If a particular post-rehearsal conversation lingers as monumental, okay. If I still vaguely regret the passing of O’Keane’s (O’Keen’s?), the bar we used to go to after shows, and the most amazing croissant and avocado sandwiches I’ve ever eaten, well, that makes sense. I remember the afternoon heat, and the scent of Coppertone Sport that even now smells to me like summer, and the baking-hot trailer where we changed into costume, and sneaking into the nearby hotel in full makeup to use a real restroom, and the cute older guy who ran the gelato place remembering all of us years later, and the kicked-up dust in the historic garden where we did a bunch of the Shakespeare, and the feel of that twenty-pound broadsword in my hand, swinging around to clang against Camille’s or Donovan’s equally-swinging broadsword, and Greg teaching me lighting and how to throw a dagger into a tree and make it stick and that’s it’s pretty much fine to test a 9-volt battery with your tongue, and stage falls, and the smell of sage burning in an abalone shell because after all this is the California coast and if you don’t smudge before the show, how will you bring the universe to you? and the sheer raw thrill of being onstage, with the lights and the audience and squinting out into the unknown dark and that word passed on from the stage manager – 

10 minutes. 

5 minutes. 

Curtain. 

and the indrawn breath – 

If I had photos at the time, would I remember it all so well? 

A few thoughts

  1. Planning is just planning. It isn’t doing. It can be weirdly easy to mix this up.
  2. Spring!
  3. The third book of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations, the Hays translation, is really worthwhile.
  4. It’s a lot easier to consider sunk costs sunk intellectually than emotionally.
  5. Any house purchase or remodel will likely have lots of sunk costs.

Noticed this inset into the sidewalk outside the office this morning. Not sure how I missed it before, but also impressed at how apt the quote still seems.

Clearly my family has been thinking about the effect of money on society for a long, long time. At least I come by it honestly.

#Opportunity

There are a lot of Mars Rover images out there, but this is the one I saw first:

Like everyone else on the Internet, I teared up. Like everyone else on the Internet, I thought at first that this was a literal last message from Opportunity – that someone at NASA had built human language, or at least this phrase, into the Rover’s communication settings. I loved that idea – and even when I realized I was wrong, and this was a great if unintentional poetic phrasing by a journalist, the baseline concept stayed with me: that even when we don’t admit it, even when we don’t acknowledge we’re doing it, we build a little bit of human into the non-human creatures we create.

Because of course we do.

How could we not?

Goodnight, dear #Opportunity. Goodnight.

2019.01.27

Have spent the morning re-reading some of my old writing – I’d planned to pull together poems for Coastside but have done this instead.

Some of it – the essays, the various topics, even my old time management book, even a few fiction fragments – is better than I’d thought!

Not sure what this tells me. Right now I’m coming back to writing stuff about once a week; this amount of time seems possible, but I wonder if I’m losing time to having to remind myself what I’ve already got.

I’ve also got writing scattered across two locations: my Mac, often in Scrivener, and the cloud, largely in txt files. At one point I loved Scrivener’s UI loveliness, and its flexibility of options appealed to me – but at this point in time I’m more in the realm of txt files, and their straightforward structure. This feels like a throwback to when I first wrote on computers, pulling together high school essays on my Dad’s old Victor 9000s with the green glowing screens and the heavy whirring floppy drives. Formatting things to print was a pain but the focus on the text was deep and fun. I miss that green.

More recently, I miss my old tiny Chromebook, with its clicky keyboard and its throwaway sturdiness. There’s a certain irony to finding common experience between text files on a pre-Windows desktop, and txt files in Drive – but that’s what I’m doing.

2018 -> 2019

2018 was tough. In pretty much every aspect of life except work, 2018 was full, it was difficult, it was a headache and a pain both emotionally and physically and logistically (yeah, I know, that’s more things than ‘both.’ Too bad). I don’t know when I’ve ever spent so much time scheduling, and I hate scheduling. And scheduling was when I got a handle on things.

Some of the full was good. I travelled to Australia, and Tokyo, and Tel Aviv, and New Mexico, and New York (twice). At home, the avocado tree didn’t die. The deer in the yard are more used to me, and watch me cautiously instead of fleeing. There’s a red-shouldered hawk that’s taken to hanging out on the fence or cedar (cypress? I can never remember) tree. The house remodel, awful though it is, did start, and make progress. There’s now a ceiling light in the master bedroom, among other things. I published my first poem (thank you, Modern Haiku!) and was invited to be a featured reader at Coastside Poetry (coming up in February – thank you, Coastside!). And there’s work: work was a bonus this year. I joined a team I love. I took on new responsibilities I’m excited about. Plus I just like it. Work right now is, and throughout 2018 has been, my calm and happy place. I’m almost inexpressibly grateful for and excited about that.

In 2018, my goals were simple. Trust my energy. Find some whitespace. Get comfortable with uncertainty. Follow some patterns that work for me (morning planning, meditation, flow). That worked… okay-ish. I liked the idea of not having set goals, but I also often felt scattered and reactive, and until I sat down to think it over at the end of the year, I didn’t have any sense of progress. Plus I don’t like meditation; my notions of whitespace were vague; and the need for scheduling that is simply a side effect of travel house remodel new work responsibilities felt antithetical to uncertainty. By the end of the year, I’d taken on a ‘one day at a time’ approach that seemed to work; realized I want more of an ongoing sense of progress; and thanks to an ‘ack’ moment involving a favorite dress not fitting, realized I have a serious need for more fitness.

On to 2019!

#planning #goals

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